So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
