I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
