Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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