if you like me you must not know who I am
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
