Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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