sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's blow job season.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
