it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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