good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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