he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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