Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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