my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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