I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
