Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
