Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
