JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Houston, we have a squirter
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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