Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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