I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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