So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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