Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
