I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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