I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
