Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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