Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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