I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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