Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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