I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
