bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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