After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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