Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
