Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
