: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
