Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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