im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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