genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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