I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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