HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
