the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize