Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
