everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You took a bar mat shot.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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