My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
