So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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