Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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