And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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