Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
