I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
