I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
