i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
