Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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