Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
