I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
