btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
