Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
