He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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