I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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