last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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