Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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