a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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