I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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