Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize