just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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