smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
