That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
